A new year is fast approaching, so it’s time to give some real thought to how we want 2018 to look. Here’s the good news: with very little or no effort, you can make 2018 one of your worst ever. Here are my helpful tips to keep your life exactly as it is, or to make it worse this year:
1. Fill up on garbage.
Filling up with food that is just cleverly disguised garbage is a foundational part of starting off the year as bad as possible. This will really help with adding another extra 10 pounds, feeling like crap all the time, and getting those cholesterol and lipid levels high enough to prompt a wide-eyed look from the doctor you must see regularly. Oh, and don’t forget the pharmacist – they love new business!
2. Don’t exercise.
Moving your body is essential to proper flexibility, strength, sleep, sexual performance, mental health, and almost every aspect of well-being. However, this is not for everyone and can even be dangerous. There’s even data that shows people who have integrated exercise into their routine have positive effects in almost every area of their lives. The consequences of exercise are real, so don’t be a victim.
3. Spend more time on TV and Social Media
This one is a real game changer. Our time is like a bank account and we can either make deposits or withdrawals. Since time is so short, why not spend it all on focused on TV schedules and cell phone alerts? There’s good evidence that some people really had it figured out. On our last visit to the cemetery, we saw several headstones inscribed with “best binge-watcher ever” and “reality TV expert.” There were much more with the trademark “F”, requesting visitors to “Like me on Facebook.” Pair this with “Fill up on garbage” and “Don’t exercise” for immediate results.
4. Consume, consume, consume
This one is really hard to master. The majority of people are so focused on others and making a positive contribution to the world that there’s just not much time to consume. But with a little effort, you can do it. Stop that wasted effort on making the world a better place, and just get really damn selfish. Big business is counting on you, so be a team player.
5. Avoid Reading
I saw a report that said reading can cause eye strain. Well, who needs that? Not to mention that it’s incredibly difficult to keep a narrow worldview and stay inside our bubbles with all those silly books and different ideas floating around. No good ideas existed before the internet, so no need to start touching things created from dead trees, especially for the environmentally conscious. Stick to your Facebook feed and Tweets for ideas that really matter.
6. Spend all your income, and then some
One other way to set yourself up for 2018 and many years to come is to spend all your income, and then some. Make sure to spend every dollar you make as soon as you get it. Once you run out of money, increase your lifestyle far beyond what you earn by running up some credit card debt. I promise, this is a gift that will keep on giving long after the thing you bought is so obsolete it will make an eight-track player pale in comparison. Not much is as satisfying as working five years to pay for things you no longer have.
7. Treat people badly or ignore them
Surveys conducted on terminally ill people confirm that among their biggest regrets is how they treated the people they cared about. One way to avoid this drama is to treat everyone badly, or just ignore them. This will be a challenge for some, but that guilty feeling you have will eventually go away if you ignore it long enough. By always being a moody, selfish jerk, everyone will appreciate your consistency.
8. Keep kidding yourself
This year, make sure to spend more time talking about what you want, what you are going to do, and who you are going to be. Life is not about action – it’s the talk that really matters. There are so many things that you are entitled to by birth, and it will all fall out of the sky this year. Retirement? Pfftt….that’s what the lottery is for. Exercise? Pffttt…..there’s a pill for that. It’s so much better to fantasize and let the universe provide for us.
9. Don’t have a plan, goals, or consider your purpose
Along the same lines, why plan, have goals or consider your purpose? What are the chances that life means anything? The great news is you can do this one by default because you probably already have an environment that provides constant distraction. It’s just not natural to worry about this stuff anyway.
10. Stay busy, but never get anything done that really matters.
I saved this one for last because it is so critical to understand. If you stay busy on things that don’t really matter, you can easily achieve all of the other goals listed above. Think about how wonderful it will be as you toss the “I’m busy” excuse out like old leftovers. There are literally millions of uses. Your kid wants to play catch? “I’m busy!” The Doctor says to lose weight? “I’m busy!” You Mother asks why you haven’t called in a month? “I’m busy!” The possibilities are endless.
I write about beliefs and help people understand how what we believe affects our health, wealth, and success. If you want to connect, get free tools and updates, and to know when new items are posted, sign up at johnlgallagher.com.